so THIS is what it means to be a valued employee.

It’s a funny situation I find myself in lately: I do, actually, enjoy my job. it’s challenging in a way my old job never was. (the old job was most challenging in situations like: BITING TONGUE so as not to offend boss with direct and powerful honesty.) The work is totally different and not necessarily at all what I thought I’d be doing with myself (esp. after that sustainability masters) but it IS effective and interesting and enjoyable. I love my coworkers. I love my fancy new notepads with my name and P.E. on them. And most amazing, I see potential here for real career development and growth. When does THAT happen? I see a corporate ladder that is scaleable, and I see a consulting company that isn’t half bad. they’ve even noticed that there aren’t many women in the board rooms. they’re giving me training, and they value me as an employee and a colleague. It’s pretty amazing.

The funny situation is that I don’t really know what to do with myself. I still have not committed myself 110% to this career path, and I guess that’s just fine. I mean, I still want to succeed, and I’m not unhappy at all, but I am in a very weird place where my employer really likes me, I like them just fine, I’m doing a darn good job and am recognized for it, and I just don’t know how much excitement to expect. I’m back at that “fun hobby or career path” dilemma – I heart alternative fuels and would love to call up mike bloomberg and tell him that in order to solve potential blackouts before they occur he should make like Aurora and outlaw the incandescent bulb. but I just don’t know where to go with that.

And then I find out that I’m getting a promotion and the seemingly wildly huge raise in the 10s of percents. Which is, honestly, pretty great in an industry that doesn’t refer to annual raises that are 3 or 4% as “standard of living” increases, even though they are obviously NOT a real raise, but just keeping up with inflation. Suddenly it seems like I really MIGHT be on the right track, and that maybe I am doing a very good job, and maybe this IS one of those things that I’m decent at.

I think that maybe because I’m *not* unhappy here I find myself questioning if I’m trying hard enough to get what I want. When you’re unhappy the best path is much easier to find. it’s when you’re satisfied that you really have to look around to decide what you want. And then there is that whole gifted child thing, where I want badly to do well, but not badly enough to actually work at it, and if something seems like it’ll be hard I have to talk myself into going through with it because the fear of failure is hard to overcome. Ironically, I will say that the older I get the less afraid I am of failing. it might be that I am more secure in my abilities, but it might be that I am more confident because I know I’m good at lots of things.

anyway. I guess I’m doing something right, despite being out of the office for 7 days this month. maybe someone noticed all the late nights I’ve been putting in? maybe they haven’t noticed how I am very strict about comping those late nights as vacation time? whatever – I’ll take it!